Tranquility - 安 (English version)

Before the contents: This is the english version of my previous article "Tranquility." I would like to share it with my lovely friends.

Finally, there was a good result of my oral exam...=)
Miss B recommanded to write an article, title "Tranquility." However, it seems a hard one. Well, let me try to write "not tranquil."

I remembered when I started to learn writing articles, at least for me, the critique article is the hardest style. The structure is very simple but the content is not easy at all - beause of logics.

The oral exam is sort of similar to that, with simple structure but complex contents. When the authors made conclusions, they need to consider its data results, as well as to compare with other studies. These factors affect a good reports of the study. I, as a reviewer, need to critique this report according to the evidence that I have investigated. However, if my evidence is not strong enough, I have to find other supports for defending myself or to change my opinions.

I made an seminar, Cognitive Behavioral Treatment (CBT), at the internship of psychiatric field in colleage. The theory of CBT mentioned that the person with mental disability (but cognitive intact) is due to his/her wrong explanations to the environment that he/she lives in. Therefore, the treatment technique is to "critique those wrong explanations" and then have the person "recognize their wrong logical processes and make changes in their behaviors."

In the process of preparing the oral exam, I seemed falling into the role of that person who is treated by CBT. I have to repeatedly investigate the resources and review my viewpoints. In this way, I can make sure my opinions are valid.
Actually, bedfore the dry-run, I have done those critiques. Monica volunteerly helped me to review it again. It makes me seeing the flaws of my thoughts through discussion. Then, after dry-run, Miss H DEBATEd with me work by word. In those days, when in the levele of alert, I always doubted or confirmed my thoughts. Honestly, sometimes I felt frustrated - wondering if "I don't understand the questions" or "This is the language problem."

A lot of people, including me, asked "is PhD hard?"
"It is not hard, just a lot of works!" said Miss K .
"It is a MIND GAME!" said Miss B .

Now, my mind is tranquil. As my friend, Patrick, left the comment the other day, "Just like phonenix rising from ashes, dawn follong dust...."

Finally, I still wanted to say: Sincerely, Thank you all!

p.s. It is time to share a song with you who read this article. This is the song that I learned in senior high school. Our English teacher made the copy of the lyrics with a lot of empty columns. She then played this song 10 times and asked us to fill out the columns according to what we heard. 10 times! meaningful...
"Hero" by Mariah Carey

來唱歌!!

就是愛唱~~
啦啦啦........

Tranquility - 安

終於，我的oral exam有了圓滿的結局... *^^*
系上的學姊B建議我寫一篇有關"Tranquility"，但是這的確是個很難的題目。那我只有試著寫為何這個口試讓我如此不安好了。

從小開始寫作文時，(對我而言)論說文是最難的，格式是很簡單─起承轉合、前後呼應、舉例證明，可是內容要言之有物真的不容易。尤其是中間的段落，一方面要提出正面的論點，接著也要提出反證，邏輯性若是不夠就很容易會落人把柄。
這個口試就是這麼回事，格式簡單─article sumary and article critique，可是內容卻不簡單：當作者為他的研究下結論時，要考慮之前所得的數據結果，並且和其他研究互相比較，這種層層的關聯性可以造就出一個好或差的實驗。作者的論點如是如是，身為"評論者"的我也要提出(正、反)證鐻去支持或是反駁(critique)，如果這些證據、推理似乎不合邏輯，那麼我的論點也會被聽眾"批評(critisize)"，這時候怎麼辦呢?就是再提出其他證據(defence)，不然就得改變我的觀點。

還記得以前在精神科實習的時候曾經報告過"理情治療(Cognitive behavioral treatment)"，這個治療模式只能用於認知功能正常者，理論提到精神缺陷的緣由是人對於環境有錯誤的解釋，理情治療就是要「評論這些錯誤的邏輯」，讓這些人"體認到他自己對環境的錯誤解釋而進一步自我提醒再矯正行為"。

在這段準備口試的過程中，我如同那個被矯治的人，不斷地反省回顧，重複地搜索資源，讓我的論點可以尖若磐石。
dry-run之前，我就把那些評論(critique)寫好了，接著Monica義不容辭的幫我檢討，藉著討論讓我看到了我的思緒盲點。dry-run之後學姊H又跟我"逐字逐句(word by word)" DEBATE，只要醒著腦筋就是在懷疑或是確認我的論點。老實說，常常會沮喪的認為到底是"I don't understand the questions" 還是 "I have language problem"?

很多人包括我問說，PhD難嗎?
學姊K: "It is not hard, just a lot of works!"
學姐B: "It is a MIND GAME!"

現在終於是平靜的(Tranquil)了，如同Patrick說的
Just like phoenix rising from ashes, dawn following dust...

但是最後還是一句話：Sincerely, Thank you all!

p.s. 哈哈！令人期待的歌曲時刻來囉：
高中時，英文老師發了一張"歌詞克漏字"，然後放這首歌10遍，要求我們在空格中填入自己聽到的英文單字。10 遍！不長不短卻意義深遠...
"Hero" by Mariah Carey

下雨的Pittsburgh

現在似乎不該是寫文章的時刻，因為腦筋一片渾沌...
已經忘了「渾沌理論(theory of choas)」真正的出處和意義了，如果沒錯的話，應該是說世上所有的物質呈混亂狀態排列，可是其內在卻又是井然有序的。(無意間搜尋到這句話 "Deterministic chaos is characterized by complexity that is self-organized according to internal constraints.") 那這有何功能呢? 有人說因為它的混亂可以讓它的表現更靈活有彈性。

期待我現在的思緒就像這個理論一樣 ─ 亂中有序。但事實真是如此嗎?

p.s. Pittsburgh最近又冷又濕，在辦公室裡繼續準備oral exam，想起了愛聽英文老歌的爸爸曾經放的一首曲子，心情才輕鬆起來!
RHYTHM OF THE RAIN 雨的旋律

For Heaven Sake II

昨晚緊張到睡不著，數羊數到凌晨3點，就是不知道在何時終於進入夢鄉。
今天dry-run完畢後，有許多地方需要修改，學姊們非常有耐性地陪我近2小時(改天再寫"何謂oral exam")，之後一起吃了午餐，順便聊聊近況...

我特地問個清楚"for heaven sake"的真正意義，結果有了驚人發現：
"It is a Chaos term"剛拿到PhD的學姊K說
"It is more like "My goodness! How can you do that?" or want to know the processes of your work"正在努力奮戰Dissertation defense的學姊D說
"......"還在寫dissertation的學姊H無言的笑著

"Bless you!"學姊D打了個噴嚏，大家異口同聲跟她說
"That will be the next article title in my blog - bless you!" 正在焦慮著oral exam的May說

"But, you cannot use "For heaven sake" to your boss!" 學姊K馬上警告我
"Right! Never use that to your advisor or boss....He or she will look at you like this (=一臉疑惑的表情，像是質疑為何你說了不該說的話)" 之前無言的學姊H接著警告我

真相大白囉! "For heaven sake"實在應該要用在驚訝的時刻，看來我的上一篇用法用錯了，儘管用錯了，我對你們的祝福沒有減少喔....本姑娘懶的再去改囉。但，我要寫這一篇以示負責！


p.s.這時候我又想起了一首曲子，就是每次跟合唱團的朋友去KTV時，他們為我必點的！實在不曉得為何會成為我的招牌歌，起源就是當初合唱團辦了一個KTV大賽，身為幹部的我們都得要下海製造氣氛，為了"笑"果我只好硬著頭皮唱了這一首，從此之後就被定型了 >.< 話先說前頭！下次如果再叫我唱這首的話，負責幫我點歌的人要跳恰恰喔......(這是用google找到的 :P)

For heaven sake
剛到美國之初，系上的學姊Beth特地買了很貴的票請我去Heinz Hall聽韓德爾(Handel)的神劇"彌賽亞(Messiah)"。當晚依慣例聽到"Hallelujah"那首，全場的人都站起來，這種感覺不知如何形容，飄飄然的很舒服！

之後系上只要有人的Grand proposol (研究計畫案)通過，一位可愛的教授就會跑去那人的辦公室唱兩句"Hallelujah"。

最近系上有4位學長姐即將畢業，他們必須要通過論文口試(dissertation defense)正式口試前兩週，我們這些PhD students都會被邀去他們的練習演講(dry-run)並且給予feedback，他們嘔心瀝血的論文內容複雜，幾乎在場聽眾聽完後都會發出讚嘆聲，最常用的就是"For heaven sake...."，意思很像「(幸好)老天保佑 !」

這時我發現系上的同學同事們(只有我一個台灣人)都必須要有堅強的意志力或是有個宗教信仰才能夠維持精神生活，否則非常容易向壓力投降，尤其是像我們這種international student，還記得我曾經借我的小小辦公室給來自約旦的學妹膜拜阿拉，雖然系上每個人有不同的信仰(基督教最多、印度教、回教、佛教)，大家都相處和睦而且可以互相討論。

有一陣子心情低潮和媽媽通話時，她提到了她一直為我念經回向，當然也希望我自己好好"作功課"，而且要記得替周遭的人祈福，甚至包括我不喜歡的人。我聽到這些話時，好像置身於那晚在Heinz Hall聆聽"Hallelujah"時的感覺，這時感動又溢滿我心...
For heaven sake, I have a supportive and lovely family
For heaven sake, I have you as my friend
For heaven sake, I have chances to chase my dream even though it is still high

My preliminary oral exam will be hold next Friday. I just finished the powerpoint for my dry-run tormorrow. Please cross figures for me.
I am also going to make a blessing list:

祝福爸爸工作順利、媽媽心情愉快、弟弟學業進步、所有親友...
祝福在台灣的小毛、小玉、小球、小花、小眼田、叮噹碩、熊、大球、家碩、小美、meymey、宋、阿通、雅玉、東、鳳琪、依潔、snoopyfan、璇、亞陸...
祝福在美國的Ketki, Beth, Hazel, Sana, Razon, Somaya, Ana, Frieda, Emily, Britney, Hsiang, Monica, Jali, Jenny, Martha, Samuel, Icep, Roy, Willy, Patrick...
還有很多很多...........
p.s.依慣例，送你們一首歌: Whistle down the Wind (洛依韋伯音樂劇: 微風輕哨) Whistle down the wind
Let your voices carry
Drown out all the rain
Light a patch of darkness
Treacherous and scary

Howl at the stars
Whisper when you're sleeping
I'll be there to hold you
I'll be there to stop
The chills and all the weeping
Make it clear and strong
So the whole night long
Every signal that you send
Until the very end
I will not abandon you
My precious friend

So try and stem the tide
Then you'll raise a banner
Send a flare up in the sky
Try to burn a torch
And try to build a bonfire
Every signal that you send
Until the very end, I'm there

So whistle down the wind
For I have always been right there
So whistle down the wind
Let your voices carry
Drown out all the rain
Light a patch of darkness
Treacherous and scary
Every signal that you send
Until the very end, I'm there

So whistle down the wind
For I have always been right there

幸福的小事
許多朋友早已經架設自己的blog，而我依然過著"純接收"的生活，上週接到小毛的e-mail，十分熱心的邀請大家共同參與一個blog，加上熱血的阿宇願意當版主，頓時如同被打醒一般...該是時候寫個小小blog了。

前幾天收到一封電子報，內容提到作者的一位朋友擇偶條件，一個是前途無量，另一個是細心體貼，姑且不論這封電子報的真正意義，我還滿喜歡作者的討論觀點：生活就是一連串的小事組成的，像是"今天的天氣......"，"吃了嗎?"等等！無聊嗎?的確比談國家大事無聊多了，但是這些卻是生活的點點滴滴阿! 如此想起來也就有意義多了吧...

還記得曾應朋友的邀約，參加了一個女孩的聚會(girl party)，大家閒聊許久，突然話題轉到blog這件事上。有的人覺得這是一個遠距離的聯絡方式，如果加上MSN的話，繞過整個地球的朋友都很容易"跟的上你的腳步"(catch up with your life)；另一些人卻覺得這種聯絡方式太草率了，blog上的訊息似乎只是最近的生活摘要(latest summary)，或是早就已是陳舊的新聞，她們認為傳統的聯絡方式才是正確的，像是："今天買了一雙鞋"，"昨晚看了一部感人的電影"等等。

另外一個有趣的例子是，一個新聞曾報導：一對30年以上的好友彼此在每年christmas寫祝賀信給對方，她們並非每年寄一封賀卡，而是用一張信紙來來回回地每年紀給對方，這封陳舊的信紙紀錄了她們恆久的友誼。

總之，拉拉雜雜的寫了這麼多，好像一古腦地把我對家人和朋友的友誼宣洩出來，很久沒有用中文寫文章了，希望我的中文沒有退步，也期望我和"你們"的友誼沒有退步，但願這個blog可以當作一個橋樑跟你們分享我的"幸福的小事"！

p.s.這是我很喜歡的一首曲子：
Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby

Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true

Some day I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where troubles melt like lemondrops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly
Birds fly over the rainbow
Why then, oh why can't I?

Some day I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where troubles melt like lemondrops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds flyBirds fly over the rainbow
Why then, oh why can't I?

If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbowWhy, oh why can't I?